🔍 How to help a gifted child, HPI, get to know themselves better

This is a mirror article, intended to restore nuance to certain posts circulating online.

Today I read a post claiming that a gifted child, when their "false self is well established", forgets who they are, loses contact with their true self, and needs help to "find themselves" again.
Some levers are suggested to support them, with good intentions.

But let’s calmly examine the core questions, because this kind of wording can cause unnecessary concern, blur the lines between what’s normal and what’s pathological, and lead parents down the wrong path.

❓ A "well-established false self": what does that even mean?

The term false self originates from the work of Donald Winnicott. It is not just a common social mask, but a deeply rooted defense mechanism developed by some infants in response to a lack of emotional attunement from caregivers.
This is a serious clinical diagnosis, not a personality trait.

👉 In gifted children, we may observe a form of social over-adaptation: they adjust, hold back, want to do well. This can be exhausting, but it does not mean they’ve lost their identity.

❓ Can someone really “forget who they are”?

No. The “true self” is not a fixed entity that can be misplaced like a set of keys.
Identity is built over time, through trial, error, and adjustment.
No one has a single, final version of themselves — especially not a child who is still growing.

👉 Saying that a child has "forgotten who they are" creates the illusion of an invisible, worrying pathological state… and one that is often clinically unverifiable.

❓ And we need to “help them find themselves again”?

This idea assumes there’s a pure, authentic self that can be recovered, as if reinstalling a factory setting.
But developmental psychology shows something very different: children discover themselves progressively, in interaction with others. This process is normal, fluctuating, and alive.

👉 What we can do is not “help them recover who they are,” but rather help them recognize what they feel, what they like, what motivates them — here and now.

🎯 Practical, well-grounded, and clarified advice

✅ 1. Create an emotionally safe environment

👉 Why it matters:
A child can’t explore their inner world freely if they fear being judged, corrected, or constantly evaluated.

🛠️ How to do it:

• Reduce implicit expectations ("You’ve always been the wise one").

• Offer open-ended conversations without pressure or goals.

• Tolerate silences, contradictions, and hesitations.

✅ 2. Highlight what makes them unique

👉 Why it’s useful:
Not to glorify difference, but to help the child notice what energizes them, what moves them, what draws their attention.

🛠️ How to do it:

• Ask open-ended questions: “What did you enjoy about that?” “Why?”

• Acknowledge small impulses: humor, curiosity, attention to detail.

• Avoid locking them into roles (“He’s always creative / hypersensitive / logical”).

✅ 3. Welcome their emotions… and help them understand and manage them

👉 Why it’s crucial:
Emotions are neither infallible guides nor nuisances to be shut down. They’re internal signals — provided the child learns to decipher them. Growing up also means learning how to regulate them.

🛠️ How to do it:

• Explore together: “When you feel that way, why do you express it like this?” “How else might you express it?”

• Link emotion, context, and need. Avoid snap interpretations.

✅ 4. Offer reversible spaces for self-expression

👉 Why it’s structuring:
Children need to test, explore, and play with their ideas without being stuck with what they said yesterday. They evolve.

🛠️ How to do it:

• Avoid attaching definitive meaning to everything they say. Instead, ask for explanations and gently push for reflection.

• Accept that they may say one thing today and the opposite tomorrow.

• Don’t treat every drawing or statement as a clue to their “true nature”.

✅ 5. Encourage gradual autonomy

👉 Why it’s key:
A highly adapted child may get used to seeking approval instead of making choices. Reintroducing decision-making helps build internal reference points.

🛠️ How to do it:

• Offer real but limited choices: between two activities, two options.

• Value the act of choosing, even if the outcome isn’t ideal.

• Avoid "fixing" their choices or redoing things for them afterward.

✅ 6. Be an attuned mirror, not a constant decoder

👉 Why it matters:
Gifted children are often highly attuned to unspoken expectations. Better to avoid projecting a flattering or fixed image onto them.

🛠️ How to do it:

• Stay grounded in observation: “I noticed you persisted,” instead of “You’re always the persistent one.” Avoid constant value judgments.

• Make space for doubt and evolution.

• Build a secure relationship without overinterpretation.

🌱 In conclusion:

Talking about self-knowledge in gifted children is delicate.
It’s not about returning to a lost self — it’s about supporting them with care through a process of discovery that’s flexible, multifaceted, and always evolving.

The concept of the false self can shed light in rare, severe cases. But using it systematically as a lens creates more anxiety than insight.
What these children need is not the myth of a “true self to recover,” but a form of lucid, stable, adapted support, respectful of their developmental rhythm.